I'm getting repeats of glandular fever which is really sucking! My stupid sore throat and constant headaches are tempting me to robo-tripping though I've never done that and don't think I ever will - cough syrup is gross! I've been clean and sober and not acting like a psycho for a week or so now. Still doesn't mean I want to be sober, just means people will kick my arse if I do anything I shouldn't be. Feel like I'm under alot of pressure not to fuck up.
My new mates are amazing. Antonia, Ryan and Brooke have been helping me through alot of shit in my head. I broke down to Daniel last weekend about the rape and I think it helped us both in the end. The endless cuddles are helping me along too. And having everyone so near by really really helps me. I'll have to snap some photos of them before the holidays are over. Got one week left.
I'm not looking forward to going back to tafe. My head's still messy. Even though I'm on more meds, I get super bouncy in the morning then a chronic downer at night. Apart from that there's still things in my life I need to tend to that I just don't want to. Plus one, minus one. Can't really cope with that but I'm trying my hardest.
I have to put on a sane face when I'm around certain people. I don't want to be deceptive I just want to try and pretend for long enough until maybe it all sinks in again. When I went over the edge the last few months, I did alot of shit I regret. But I didn't feel anything at the time, I was impervious to everything, invincible. Now I can feel everything I had done. It's like two seperate people. The other me, fucked everything up and hurt people and hurt myself. And now I'M left to deal with the suffering and the pain of those choices. Bit fucking sucky.
With all this bullshit going through my head all the time, it's no wonder I'm not healthy in my body. Ack.

love to my girls lana and zoe xxx

EDIT:

Forget everything I just said. Last night I had a rage attack and beat the shit out of a door before whipping out the razorblade and cutting myself deeper than I have before - I actually saw my own muscle and it was disgusting. About two milimetres deep and then it spread two milimetres wide. It's going to leave a nasty scar. Why did I do that you ask? I was and am chronically pissed off. Fucking angry. I want to rip someones head off. Why the fuck did I spend a Friday fucking night sitting at an arcade sober. I fucking hate my life and I fucking hate everything that's happened. I fucking hate the fact that I'm not out at the Rise getting drunk, grinding up my fucking leg - no I'll leave that to my ex to have a good fucking night. So I snapped last night and I got real ticked off at the fact I never have a good fucking friday night and I never get drunk, never hook up and never have any stories to tell bout how crazy my weekend was. I got angry and I snapped and I only wish I'd done it fucking deeper. Fuck you cunts. I fucking hate everything.